


everything good leads back to you

by ghostbunny



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Circle life, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Kandersgiving 2020, M/M, Romance, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:15:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27744334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostbunny/pseuds/ghostbunny
Summary: He hears it in the library, that whispered word again, “Is that him? The apostate?” But when Anders looks up it’s not him the whispering apprentices at the far end of his table are looking at.It’s someone new.Anders returns to Kinloch Hold after his fourth escape attempt and meets a new apprentice who changes everything for him.
Relationships: Anders/Karl Thekla
Comments: 19
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Kandersgiving! I came up with this story idea a while ago while I was on a bit of a Kanders kick and jotted it down, thinking maybe I'd write it someday if I ever got the chance. When I saw the announcement for this event it seemed like the perfect opportunity to make myself actually do it. Thank you to teamblueandangry on tumblr for organising it! 
> 
> The idea for this was what if Karl was an apostate for a while before being caught by the templars and brought to the Circle in his late teens. So I could maybe call it an AU but given that there's nothing in canon to say it didn't happen that way (as far as I'm aware), I don't think it counts. I went with the idea that Anders got most of his escape attempts out of the way before meeting Karl. I don't know if that quite matches up with the canon timeline but the timeline is confusing anyway so never mind that. 
> 
> I'm not sure if I'm satisfied with the title I chose but I adapted it from the Aurora lyric "And then I learned the truth that everything good in life seems to lead back to you" which I felt suited the story. It'll have to do or I'll never get around to posting. I also had some trouble thinking of what I might need to tag so I'll just mention here that this story takes place in the Circle while Anders and Karl are teenagers. So while the typical sort of Circle abuses are happening in the background (templars being assholes, references to the Harrowing and the Rite of Tranquility etc.) they aren't the focus of the story. This is mostly just about Karl and Anders meeting and falling in love. I couldn't call it light-hearted but it's not as heavy as you'd probably expect for a story set in the Circle.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy it!

At first, when he hears the other apprentices talking about the ‘ _apostate’,_ Anders thinks they mean him. The word has been sneered at him often enough over the years, throughout his numerous escapes (and subsequent recaptures—usually with the templars doing the sneering). Apostate. It’s not the worst thing Anders has ever been called. It has sort of a ring to it actually. Especially when a _‘wanted’_ is tagged onto it. Really, if you’re not set to become a senior enchanter it’s about as important as a mage can get in the eyes of the Chantry. And after escape attempt number four, Anders is getting used to the attention. 

So, when he’s thrown back in among his fellow apprentices and he hears that word being whispered around, he thinks nothing of it. He puts on a smile, undeterred by the scowls of those who think he’s making the rest of them look bad and actually quite enjoying the attention from the ones who crowd him, wanting to hear all about his adventures out of the tower. Anders can hardly be blamed if he plays it all up a bit for them. What else is he supposed to do now he’s stuck back here? The templars will be watching him more closely than ever now. He’ll probably have to lie low for a bit but that doesn’t mean he can’t have _some_ fun. 

The first clue that something might have changed while he was away should have been the number of those gossiping apprentices. It seems to him that managing a fourth escape and more or less getting away with it (they haven’t made him tranquil yet after all) should perhaps have earned him a _little_ more attention than he’s currently receiving. But apparently not so: there are definitely fewer people than usual gathering around him asking him questions about what it’s like out there, if he was afraid, what he did when he realised the templars had him cornered. Still, it’s not necessarily a bad thing and Anders simply shrugs it off. 

It takes a few days to realise that his initial assumption was a little bit off. He hears it in the library, that whispered word again, _“Is that him? The apostate?”_ But when Anders looks up it’s not him the whispering apprentices at the far end of his table are looking at. 

It’s someone new. 

The boy now making his way across the room probably wouldn’t have otherwise grabbed his attention. He's human, maybe a few years older than Anders himself and has short brown hair. If he stands out, it’s in how he’s maybe slightly less weedy than some of the others, a little less pasty but there’s still little doubt that he’s one of them, unfamiliar though he is. He wears the resigned look of so many of the other mages here and if that weren’t enough to mark him as one of them, the standard issue apprentice robes he has on would probably do the trick. He crosses the library and Anders’ are far from the only pair of eyes that follow him. If Anders wasn’t entirely certain he hadn’t seen that face before, that would be a giveaway in itself. 

They get new mages now and then, all after completing their Harrowings, of course. New apprentices, however, are usually quite a bit younger than this boy. Anders himself came here at the age of twelve and even that was considered old for magic to manifest in a child. If it’s truly his first time in a Circle then it’s no wonder he’s caused such a stir. 

The boy pays no notice to the watchful eyes of the other apprentices. Or, he tries not to. It’s sort of obvious, really. Even if he wasn’t clearly trying quite so hard to keep his gaze focused on the floor in front of him, the faint blush colouring his cheeks would do it. He has the definite air of someone trying not to be noticed and failing miserably at it. 

Anders shifts along the long table he’s supposed to be studying at and plops himself into a seat beside one of the apprentices who had first drawn his attention to the new boy. 

“Who’s that then?” he asks, quietly enough not to draw the attention of any templars who might be lurking nearby. Some of them hardly need the excuse, even for a misdemeanour as minor as talking in the library. 

The apprentice who turns to look at him in surprise is vaguely familiar in a way that most of the apprentices Anders doesn’t regularly talk to are to him. He’s used to seeing the same faces every day and even if he can’t put a name to all of them, there’s never anything obviously out of place about them. He thinks the girl he’s just sidled up to might be called Rosie or something like that. When her surprise at Anders’ sudden appearance beside her subsides, she replies with, “You haven’t heard?” 

Anders shrugs. “I’ve been busy.” 

Rosie raises an eyebrow and Anders can’t help but feel her knowing expression is a bit much considering she can’t be more than fourteen. He definitely prefers the younger apprentices when they’re looking at him in awe at the tales of his daring escapes. 

“Templars brought him in last week,” says Rosie’s friend, who is clearly the more eager gossip of the two. “They’re saying he’s never been in a Circle before but he’s had his magic for years. He’s been hiding all this time,” she whispers excitedly. “The templars never found him!” 

“Until now,” adds Rosie. Something in her tone says she thinks it was only a matter of time. Which is true enough, really. Even without a phylactery, staying hidden from the templars for long can’t be easy. All it takes is one slip up in front of the wrong person. And for an untrained mage those slip ups will be all the more difficult to avoid. 

So it’s no wonder all of Kinloch is abuzz with the new arrival. Once Anders notices it, he can’t help but wonder how he missed it those first few days. Everyone is talking about it. He might be bothered that his own return has failed to pull their attention away but, now that he’s aware of the gossip, he’s sort of drawn into it himself. He can’t blame them really; Anders has escaped and been recaptured enough times now that it’s old news but this, an apostate, who evaded capture by the templars for years—well, it’s longer than anything Anders has managed. The Templars have Anders’ phylactery so he’s not feeling too outdone but even he has to admit it’s impressive. 

He sees the new apprentice around a few times after that first time in the library. On the second day, he gets wind of the boy’s name: Karl Thekla. 

Karl doesn’t look like an apostate. And it’s not just the Circle robes, it’s his entire demeanour. Anders has yet to speak to him at all but he gives the impression of being shy and far from comfortable with the attention he’s gained among the other apprentices. It’s not that Anders wants to contribute to causing that discomfort but it’s difficult not to be interested. To go so long without any real training while avoiding the templars must have taken some fair amount of skill. Or else he was just very lucky. Until now, that is. 

It can’t be easy. As a rule, Anders tries not to think about his own arrival at Kinloch Hold but he remembers it all too well. Karl’s silence hits a little too close to home. He doesn’t know if Karl being older makes it better or worse. He’s had a much longer taste of freedom than anyone else here so he wonders if that just makes it more difficult to give up. Or perhaps there’s no point in comparing it. They’ve all ended up here one way or another. 

Anders tries to tell himself he’ll stay out of it but in the end his interest gets the better of him. That, and they’re put into a class together. Which makes sense, Karl may be older but if he’s really untrained then he has some catching up to do with the others. The curiosity that Anders has been keeping at bay for the past few days comes to a head in closer proximity and he thinks it couldn’t hurt just to introduce himself. In fact, it would be downright friendly of him. 

It doesn’t quite go to plan. 

Anders begins by dropping into a conveniently empty seat in front of where Karl is sitting. “You’re the new apprentice. Karl, right?” 

Karl looks up at him. It’s the first time Anders has seen him look in his direction. His eyes are grey. Anders spends the long moment it takes for Karl to respond appreciating that. Overall, his looks are sort of unremarkable. Anders has already established that he’s really not one to stand out in a crowd and, between that and his obvious shyness, if Karl’s arrival hadn’t caused such a fuss among the other apprentices, Anders isn’t sure if he’d have noticed the older boy at all. 

But he does have nice eyes. If nothing else, he thinks he might have noticed that, given the chance. 

“Yes,” says Karl. 

It’s all he says, which makes Anders feel slightly awkward when he persists in introducing himself. “Anders.” 

“It’s nice to meet you, Anders,” Karl murmurs in a tone that’s polite, if not exactly bursting with warmth. Anders isn’t sure what to do with that but he’s already established that Karl is shy so it seems to make sense just to keep trying. He tells himself that some people just need a little more encouragement than others to open up, that’s all. 

He doesn’t get off to the best start with that. “People are calling you the apostate.” 

Karl sighs, “I wish they wouldn’t.” 

“That’s what you were though, weren’t you? Until recently, of course.” 

“I’d really rather not talk about it.” 

Anders watches Karl’s gaze slip away from his and fall back to the book on the desk in front of him and he thinks he might have been misunderstood. “Hey, I’m not trying to give you a hard time about it. I think it’s great. Well, not the getting caught and dragged off to a gloomy old tower in the middle of a lake and never being allowed to leave part, obviously, but staying hidden for so long. It's quite impressive. Not many could pull that off...” Anders trails off as he realises that, again, his words aren’t having quite the intended effect and maybe reminding people of recent potentially traumatic experiences is not the way to go about making friends. This usually isn’t so hard. Still, he perseveres and decides to try a different approach. “I’ve been called apostate once or twice myself, you know. Never really took, though.” 

“So I’ve heard,” says Karl. 

“You’ve heard about me?” Anders doesn’t know why that’s surprising. Perhaps because in all the time he’s been watching Karl, he’s never really seen him talking to anyone else. Which suggests people are talking about Anders’ latest escape after all, and loudly enough for Karl to pick up on it. Good to know he’s being appreciated. Maker knows there isn’t much to keep people entertained in this place. 

“Once or twice,” says Karl. “Look, Anders, I appreciate what you’re trying to do but I really just think it would be better if I kept my head down for a while. There’s a lot I need to catch up on. I shouldn’t let myself get distracted.” 

Anders wonders for a moment if he’s said the wrong thing (or, more likely, several wrong things) but Karl looks so apologetic he realises that’s not it at all. More likely that the terrible first impression has done very little to counter the rumours about him: that he’s a troublemaker. Which isn’t exactly unfounded but Anders doesn’t know how he feels about it being used as a reason for someone not wanting to know him. Though perhaps it makes sense. Karl’s just been brought in, in the sort of circumstances that can only make him an easy target for the templars. Even someone new to the Circle can see the dangers in that. Immediately taking up with Kinloch’s most infamous escape artist definitely isn’t the wisest choice he could make now. Anders gets it. But it still stings a little. 

“Right,” Anders says. “Point taken. I’ll just... leave you to it then.” 

Karl gives him one last apologetic look then goes back to his notes as Anders walks away. 

That might have been the end of it except that they’re both confined to a tower together and that doesn’t exactly lend itself to staying out of each other's ways. Especially when it turns out that they have more than the one class together. It starts to become more clear over the next few months how Karl can have made it as long as he did (though however long that might be is still uncertain) without formal training. He’s a model student without even seeming to have to try. He’s the picture of calm and discipline, so unlike Anders that he finds it baffling. Karl can’t have had much opportunity for academic study before coming to the Circle so Anders thinks he must be trying to make up for lost time. He’s so rarely seen without his nose in a book. He’s exactly the sort of apprentice Anders has always done his best to avoid. 

But Anders can’t get his mind off him. More specifically, he can’t wrap his mind around how little the idea of him as the 'apostate' all the apprentices were talking about matches up with the reality of the quiet, studious Karl he's become used to seeing around. It would be disappointing except that it doesn’t quite make sense. Which makes Karl something of a mystery. And _that_ makes him interesting. 

None of the other apprentices seem to share Anders’ view on this. At least, as far as he can tell. After the first few weeks, the gossip surrounding him dies away. Karl stays true to his word and keeps his head down. He’s liked well enough and is accepted by pupils and teachers alike as a normal apprentice. A little behind the others in his age group in some respects but otherwise gifted enough to make up for it. 

After the initial rejection Anders doesn't try approaching Karl directly again. Though he does a commendable job (in his own opinion) of not holding it against him. Any bitter feeling he may have begun with evaporates as he watches Karl over the following months. Anders can't help but think he seems lonely. A difficult feat in the confines of the tower but somehow Karl seems to have managed it. As nice as he is to anyone who approaches him, he doesn’t seem to let anyone in. It’s easy for Anders to recognise the signs. He did the same thing himself when he was first brought here. Seeing it now in Karl, Anders can’t hold it against him.


	2. Chapter 2

Karl isn’t the only one occupying his thoughts around this time. The mages of Kinloch Hold don’t tend to have a lot of things to distract them from the general misery of circle life. There’s studying, which Karl has obviously taken to but Anders has begun to prefer looking to the other mages for this purpose. And there’s one in particular who he’s made very good progress with lately. Her name is Enid. She’s slightly older than Anders but only by a few months. She’s cute, with her red hair and freckles, her wide eyes and plump lips. Anders has caught her looking in his direction quite a few times and he recognises her as one of the small group of apprentices who hadn’t been distracted from his return to the Circle by Karl’s arrival. She hadn’t been at the forefront of the group, asking all those questions about what he’d done while he was away but he’d noticed her at the back, watching him with obvious interest. She’d been too pretty not to notice. 

He really has to work at it, turning on the charm for her, which is a surprise but not a disappointing one by any means. It's part of the fun, making it all the more satisfying when she finally does agree to pay a visit to a far back section of the library one evening. Anders has heard all about the sort of fun that can be had in the lesser perused areas of the Circle library, though he doesn’t have as much experience with such things as some of the other apprentices seem to think. That’s something he’s been hoping to change. And with Enid, he seems to be well on his way to doing so. 

The library is quieter than usual. Lessons have long come to a close, the mages and apprentices having left for supper an hour or so ago. And while the room isn’t officially closed for the night, it’s empty enough that far enough back among the rows of shelves, there’s not another soul to be seen and Enid’s initial shyness has worn off marvellously. Her lips are soft and eager, her skin is invitingly warm and it’s just starting to get _really_ good when Enid stills then pulls back, craning her neck to look over Anders’ shoulder. “What was that?” she whispers. 

Anders stops and listens for a moment there’s no tell-tale clanking of armour so he quickly turns his attention back to the soft skin at Enid’s neck, murmuring, “I didn’t hear anything.” 

“No, there was— _shit!_ ” 

Anders blinks in surprise at the hands that come up to his chest, hurriedly shoving him away. “What the—?” 

“You said there’d be no one here!” Enid hisses. Even in this darkened corner of the library, her skin is visibly flushed in embarrassment. Anders looks around, following the direction of her wide-eyed gaze to find they do indeed have company. It’s not a templar, thankfully, but he’s not particularly happy to see Karl standing at the end of the row, looking just as surprised to see them as they are to see him. 

“No one usually is!” Anders complains, looking pointedly at Karl. 

He doesn’t seem to have a reply to that. He just stands there with his lips parted in surprise until Enid mutters, “Sorry, Anders. I’ve changed my mind.” Anders doesn’t even get a chance to try to call her back as she pushes past both of them and flees. 

Karl, however, remains. Anders glares at him. “What are you even doing back here?” he demands. Karl’s mouth opens wider but he still doesn’t give an answer. His cheeks haven’t quite achieved the same impressive shade of crimson that Enid’s had but they’re making a valiant effort. Karl apparently gives up on trying to voice his response and instead just points at the shelf behind Anders’ head. When he turns to look, Karl steps forward and selects the book he’d apparently come back here looking for. _“Seriously?”_

“It’s a _library!_ ” Karl answers defensively. 

“So?” Frankly, that is no excuse. Has no one bothered to explain to him how things work around here? Evidently not. Yet, instead of explaining it to him, the question that comes to Anders is, “Do you _ever_ stop reading?” 

Karl doesn’t look like he quite knows how to answer that but Anders thinks it’s a pretty safe bet that the answer is ‘no’. 

“You’re allowed to take a break every now and then, you know. Have a bit of fun.” 

Karl looks sceptical. “Like behind the back shelves in the library?” 

“Well, where else are we supposed to do it? You might have noticed that no one is getting much privacy around here.” 

“Uh huh...” says Karl. His cheeks are still a bit pink. It’s sort of cute, how obviously flustered he is. It’s just enough to make Anders feel slightly less frustrated with him. Though only slightly. He’d been looking forward to tonight and now Maker knows if he’ll ever manage to convince Enid to come back and give it another go. 

Anders remembers Karl’s dismissal of his attempt to talk to him a while back and thinks he could stand to loosen up a bit. “Maybe you should try it sometime,” he says flippantly, then he watches with interest as Karl’s face gets even pinker. It takes a moment of listening to him stutter adorably in response for Anders to consider his suggestion might have been mistaken for an offer. Which wasn’t quite what he’d meant but it is an interesting thought. Though Anders has considered once or twice what it would be like to kiss one of the boys here, he’s yet to actually try it. He’s been happy enough so far with the girls who have shown an interest in him that he’s never really had to think too hard about what else he might be interested in. 

He ends up filing that thought away without quite satisfying his curiosity it stirs in him, remembering just in time that Karl has already told Anders he has no interest in making friends. It still feels like a shame. There's a lot Anders wants to know about Karl. 

Karl holds up the book in front of him, almost like a shield. “I'll just stick to reading for now,” he mumbles. 

“If that's what you're into,” Anders sighs. “Just for future reference, try to keep to the front area of the library from now on if you’re going to be here any time after supper.” Then because he can't quite help himself, he raises an eyebrow, giving his most charming smile as he adds, “Unless you change your mind about the reading and want to try something a little more exciting.” 

As he turns away, he can't help but feel pleased with the image of Karl’s flustered expression that lingers in his mind. 


	3. Chapter 3

Contrary to popular belief, Anders doesn’t spend all of his time slacking off, or flirting, or plotting the next of his escapes. He hasn't thought about escaping for a while beyond thinking he’d better wait until some time when the templars aren’t expecting it. 

A lot of the time when he's not in regular lessons, he’s down in the infirmary, doing what he can to help there and occasionally learning a thing or two from Senior Enchanter Wynne. Anders has been told that he's lucky to have a gifted spirit healer around to learn from but he’s not so sure lucky is how he’d put it. Wynne’s alright when she’s not banging on about how great the Circle is but she gets a bit preachy. She's always telling him how if he’d just stop trying to go against the grain, he’d eventually earn the freedom to come and go like she did. Mages with their healing talents will never not be valued by the rest of the world. It's a gift but it comes with a responsibility to train well so that he might use that gift to serve man the way the Maker intended. Anders lets out a weary sigh. Perhaps he wouldn’t mind the responsibility so much if it weren’t for everything else that comes with it; the templars, the complete lack of any privacy or personal rights, the looming threat of his Harrowing and the possibility that he’ll join those apprentices who never made it back from theirs. The possibility that they won’t even give him the chance to try. That thought is the worst of the lot and Anders quickly pushes it away.

He’s not sure if what Wynne has can be called freedom. If she’s so free then what’s she doing _here?_ He’s fairly certain that to be allowed to leave at all, the Chantry have to have their claws in you deep enough to know you'll come back anyway. What kind of freedom is that? 

All that being said, Anders doesn't mind his stints in the infirmary. He good at it. It feels right. Some days that feeling is the only thing that keeps him going. 

It's not always Wynne who's down here with him. Most days she has to teach the younger apprentices up in the library. And though these days there's little he’s faced with that he couldn't deal with on his own, he's not trusted. They may have a point but that doesn't mean he has to like it. 

Still, he finds he doesn't mind quite so much when it comes time for Wynne’s lesson one day and rather than being replaced by one of the trained creation mages, Karl shows up with a message that the mage who had been scheduled to take over here has been detained. Wynne looks between the two of them, at Karl hovering uncertainly by the door and Anders, perched in front of the row of potions he’s been sorting. He sees her come to a decision. Perhaps that with Anders familiarity in the infirmary, and Karl’s newfound reputation as reliable and trustworthy, between the two of them they make one competent mage. 

“I trust I can count on you to keep an eye on things here while I'm gone, Karl?” Wynne asks. 

“Of course,” Karl answers quickly, his eyes wide with surprise. 

Wynne looks at Anders as though to say, ' _don't let me down_ '. Anders tries not to roll his eyes and to look encouraging without looking too enthusiastic at the prospect of her leaving. When she leaves the two of them alone together, Karl stares at the door she closes behind her and wonders aloud, “Why did I just agree to that? If someone comes in, I won't have the first clue what to do.” 

Anders looks at him in amusement over his row of potions. “Good thing I’m here then.” 

“Right,” says Karl, looking doubtful. Anders doesn't know if he's more annoyed at him for doubting, or a little bit smug at the thought of knowing something he doesn't. “What, er, do I do now?” 

Anders shifts over slightly on the wooden bench he’s currently occupying and pats the empty seat beside him. “Come on, you can help me with these.” 

After a moment, Karl nods and does as instructed. Anders explains the process to him and they fall into silence for a while. It isn't that he doesn't want to talk to Karl, and since it definitely isn't Anders’ doing that they're working together, this should be as good an opportunity as ever to try to make conversation. But perhaps Anders is feeling shy after the initial rejection. In any case, he’s relieved when Karl is the first one to speak. 

“So, um, are you and Enid alright... After the other night?” 

Anders looks at him in surprise and then amusement. “Of course. Why wouldn’t we be?” 

Karl blushes. That keeps happening and Anders would be lying if he said he wasn't enjoying it a bit. “It’s just... Well, she looked sort of upset...” 

“Oh, she’s fine. Perhaps not looking to go back to the library any time soon though.” Anders sighs. “Never mind. I'm sure I'll find someone else who’s interested.” 

Karl stops what he’s doing and stares at him and Anders looks back at him curiously, wondering what he's said wrong this time. “That’s it?” Karl asks. 

“That's what?” 

“ _That_. The two of you were... And now it’s just: _'never_ _mind’_? That's really it?” 

“She was embarrassed?” Anders tries to explain without quite knowing what it is he's supposed to be explaining. “Didn’t want to risk getting caught again. I don't really get it. You’d hear the templars coming miles away. And what's life without a little risk? Make things more exciting... But it’s not for everyone I suppose. It's a shame really.” 

“But you _like_ her, don't you?” Karl is frowning at him in a way that seems disproportionate to the situation and Anders really isn't sure why. 

“Sure, I like her...” he answers easily, then stops as understanding dawns upon him. “Wait. You mean like as in love?” Anders gives Karl a perplexed look. “We weren't exactly planning a spring wedding.” 

Karl seems to be about to say something but stops short, his mouth hanging open. “Oh. Yeah... I mean, of course you weren't.” He’s still frowning. Anders is fully distracted from what he's supposed to be doing now, trying to figure out why Karl looks so stunned by that revelation. 

“Are you alright?” 

“Yes. Sorry, I just... You were kissing. It seemed like a natural assumption that you were... involved. That just seems like how these things should work.” 

“Maybe outside the Circle... For anyone who _isn’t_ a mage.” 

He'd been wondering a little if Karl was casting judgement for Anders’ behaviour like some sort of scandalised Chantry sister but the saddened look on his face at that makes things clearer than any part of their strange conversation so far. Anders doesn't know what to say to it. 

Karl begins slowly, “I know we're not supposed to... But it just seems like...” he shakes his head, still frowning. “How would you stop it? Feeling that way...” 

Now Anders is frowning back at him, suddenly feeling very out of his depth. 

“It just seems sad.” 

Anders tries to shrug it off. “Maybe it is. But what's the alternative? You’ve only been here a few months. You haven't seen it happen yet...” When Karl looks at him questioningly he wishes he hasn't said anything. This is something every mage here learns but no one _talks_ about it. Not like this. “The Harrowing... The Rite of Tranquility... You wake up one morning and someone that was there every day is just gone. You really think getting attached is a good idea in a place like this?” 

From the look on Karl’s face, Anders thinks he's been too blunt. But he can't take it back. That's just how it is. He’ll see it for himself sooner or later. 

For a long while, neither of them say a word. Anders starts to think that maybe he should say something comforting after all. But he doesn't get the chance before the door to the infirmary swings open and a templar enters, escorting a mage who’s holding a bloody handkerchief over his nose. 

“Where’s the healer?” says the templar, a stern looking woman a good few years older than her bloodied charge. 

“I'm here,” Anders replies quickly, jumping out of his seat. The templar frowns at him then seems to decide he'll do and waves her hand in the direction of the mage. It's easy enough to know what needs fixing, even without the blood, his nose and one side of his face is already beginning to bruise. 

Out of all the times a templar could choose to pay a visit to the infirmary, this—Anders and Karl left here, unsupervised—is probably one of the worst. They don’t have anything to be guilty about though so the best thing seems to be to act that way and just get on with it. He can’t help but feel the templar eyeing him with suspicion the entire time, though. 

“Karl, can you bring a cloth to clean up some of this blood? Over there.” He points to where Karl needs to look then turns back to the patient. He tries to ignore the discomforting feeling of the templar watching him and makes quick work of healing the broken bone in the Mage’s nose. He then gets to clearing up some of the bruising and probing magically for any more damage that might not be visible externally. Thankfully, everything seems to be fixed nicely and he doesn’t think he needs to fetch Wynne to be sure he doesn’t mess up any more complicated magic. 

Karl appears by his side then with a cloth he’s wet in a nearby basin. “What happened?” he asks. A question Anders thinks he's guessed the answer to but he doesn't feel like being the one to say it out loud. Not after the conversation they've just had. 

“How does it feel?” Anders asks instead. The mage just nods and perhaps he’s still too stunned to give more of an answer to that. 

The templar ignores Karl’s question too. “You’re the spirit healer?” 

“That’s me.” 

“Bit young to be learning that kind of magic,” she accuses, frowning at him. 

Anders flashes her a winning smile, hoping to hide his discomfort with her line of questioning. “I'm a special case.” 

It’s a glib sort of answer that could probably get him into trouble with certain templars but either this one finds it a satisfactory answer or she just doesn't care enough to pry any further. Instead, she glances around the room and looks between Karl and Anders. “So are they just letting apprentices run this place now?” 

“Not usually.” 

Before Anders can make another comment he might end up regretting, Karl cuts in with, “Senior Enchanter Wynne had to run out to attend to something. She’ll be back soon.” 

The woman nods. “Right. All the same, I'll send someone down to keep an eye on you.” She turns to the patient, who looks a lot better now he’s got most of the blood off his face. “And I'll walk you back to your room.” 

Anders groans when they leave the room. “I really hope that isn't another templar she’s gone to fetch.” 

He turns to see Karl watching him again with another funny look on his face. “What?” 

He hopes he’s not going to have to explain to Karl what they just witnessed. Anders is sure he’ll figure it out for himself soon enough. 

But Karl doesn’t ask about it. “I thought you were joking,” he says instead. “About being a healer.” 

Now that really wasn’t what Anders was expecting. Though perhaps he should have done, from Karl’s reaction to him earlier. “Why would I be joking?” 

Karl gives him a half shrug. “It seems like something you would do.” 

Anders snorts a quiet laugh. “Because you know me so well.” 

Karl turns faintly pink again. “We've been in the same classes for several months.” 

Anders grins at him. “So you've been watching me?” 

Karl shakes his head. “You're impossible to talk to.” But his lips quirk into the smallest smile. That feels like a win. As does the thought that he might be right. 

“If you've been paying me so much attention you should know that healing is my thing.” 

“Spirit healing, though... That's advanced magic.” 

Anders shrugs. “Some of it, yeah. I'm still feeling my way around it.” 

He looks sceptical. “ _Feeling_ your way? Through magic that’s usually restricted to mages much older than either of us?” 

“Well, Wynne is teaching me too,” Anders admits. “How do _you_ know so much about it anyway?” 

“I read too much, remember?” 

Anders laughs. “How could I forget?” Then, because he's not sure if Karl might be implying something, he adds, “I read too, you know. Just at the appropriate times for reading.” 

“As opposed to when you could be fondling other apprentices in the library?” Karl smirks. 

Anders grins back at him. “You really don't want to let that go, do you? Glad you enjoyed the show so much.” 

“You’re ridiculous,” says Karl but Anders can see the now familiar spots of colour on his cheeks and is having too much fun with that to take offense. 

He’s grinning as he goes to sit back behind the table they’d been working at earlier. Karl follows him but neither of them get to work. Instead, Karl asks, “How did you end up training as a spirit healer before even passing your Harrowing?” 

Anders shrugs. “I just sort of picked it up.” Karl clearly thinks he's being facetious again so he insists, “Wynne says I have an affinity for it.” 

The dubious look slips from Karl’s face. “It certainly looked that way. It was really impressive.” 

Now it's Anders' turn to feel his cheeks heat up. It's not the first time he's been praised for his healing magic but somehow he's glowing hearing it from Karl. “Anyone who’s trained in basic creation magic could have done that spell.” 

Karl shakes his head. “Not like that. With that sort of confidence. You really looked like you knew what you were doing.” 

Anders can’t hold back a smile. “Well, I suppose I have to be good for something, right? Besides getting into trouble.” 

Karl looks regretful at that. “I think I might have misjudged you before.” 

“Not really. My healing skills really are my only redeeming quality. Well, besides my looks.” 

“Don’t forget your modesty,” says Karl with a small smile, and Anders sends a grin back in his direction. 

“Come on, we’d better get back to this. And just hope they're not sending a templar down to check we haven’t torched the place, or summoned any demons. Or whatever it is they think we get up to when they’re not looking.” 

Karl follows him around to the table they’d been working at earlier and comments, “It really is too much to ask for a moment to relax without one of them breathing down our necks, isn't it?” Which is the first thing of the sort Anders has heard Karl say. Those aren't the words of the sort of meek model apprentice the templars so love to push around. 

“Tell me about it,” mutters Anders. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he watches him get back to work. Karl may claim to have misjudged him but he thinks he might have been right about Karl all along. There's definitely more there than meets the eye. 


	4. Chapter 4

After their afternoon in the infirmary, Karl starts to seem a lot easier to talk to. Anders confirms that he really can’t hold the earlier rejection against him, not when he sees the hopeful little smile Karl sometimes gets when he sees Anders approaching. He starts to think that he’d been right about at least one thing about Karl; he’s lonely here with no one he’s particularly close to. It had taken some time but now it seems that he’s ready to open up a little more to the other apprentices. Anders, with his curiosity about Karl still far from sated, is quite happy to let him. 

He finds Karl in the library one evening, reading, and when he takes a seat across from him, he gives Anders that smile again. It warms something in him. It’s a peculiar feeling unlike the satisfaction he gets from turning on the charm for the other apprentices, seeing the admiring looks they send back at him. There’s something about Karl that feels different and Anders can’t quite put his finger on what it is. All he knows is that he’s pleased he finally seems to have won him over. 

When Anders pulls out a book of his own, Karl affects a shocked expression. Anders tries to hold back a smirk as he leans across the table and hisses, “I already told you that I read, there’s no need to look at me like that.” 

“I just thought there were other things you preferred to use the library for at this sort of hour,” Karl replies, his eyes sparkling with amusement. 

Anders raises an eyebrow. For someone who seemed so embarrassed by that incident, he does bring it up a lot. “Well, seeing as you scared off my best prospect for ‘other things’ it seems I’ll have to do without. Unless you’re making an offer, that is?” 

Karl’s face turns the exact shade of pink Anders was hoping it would and he flashes a wicked grin back at him. 

“Right,” says Karl. “I think I've learned my lesson about teasing you.” 

“Don't say that. Where's the fun in giving in so easily?” 

Karl looks at him uncertainly but then just shakes his head. “Sorry but I think it was my mistake bringing it up in the first place.” 

He says it with a small smile but his cheeks are still a little pink. Anders has to admit he doesn't quite understand the reaction. “I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable...” Anders begins but Karl shakes his head. 

“It's fine. I'm just... It's nothing.” 

Anders wonders how ‘nothing’ has him so flustered but decides to drop it for now. 

Perhaps he should let Karl go back to his book. He does generally seem to prefer reading to talking and the idea of quietly reading together has its appeal. In theory anyway. In reality, Karl is sort of distracting without meaning to be. He's not even doing anything but Anders keeps glancing up all the same. He watches those light grey eyes following the words on the page and admires the little furrow of concentration between his eyebrows. He can't quite say why he finds it so cute, only that it is. It's just another one of those things along with the blushing and that smile he sometimes gets that Anders keeps wanting to see more of. 

And then there's the way sometimes he’ll look up and their eyes will meet. It’s completely distracting. He might as well close the book all together for all the good he's getting out of it. Unless he considers that good to be the faint pink tinge to the tops of Karl’s cheeks, in which case he might just keep on pretending to read for as long as he can get away with it. 

After a while, Karl sets down his book and for an instant, Anders thinks he's been caught out. Until Karl says, “I think I'm going to head back to the dorm.” 

“I’ll come with you,” Anders replies far too quickly and immediately kicks himself for being so obvious. 

But Karl just smiles at him like that's what he hoped he'd say and that warm feeling flutters inside him again. 

They walk together quietly until Karl says, “I'm relieved, you know, that you gave me a second chance after I was so rude to you when we first met.” 

“You weren’t so bad,” Anders tells him, meaning it. “I understand. You were new here. We all had our ways of dealing with that.” 

“I'm not sure if my method was the best one. I think I just panicked under all the attention I was getting. I thought if I pushed everyone away I’d feel safer. But instead it just sort of feels lonely. Isn't that a surprise?” 

Anders laughs quietly. “Believe me, I get it.” He looks at him. It’s a little hard to meet his eyes but he makes himself do it anyway. “But you don't have to keep feeling that way. I'll be here if you need someone.” 

Karl gives him that strange unsure look again but before Anders can figure out what he means by it, it turns into a small shy smile. “Thank you.” 

Anders grins back at him. “Anyway, I don't think it can have hurt you too badly, getting yourself a reputation as a sort of golden boy.” 

Karl blushes. “That's really not what I was aiming for.” 

“Useful though. Especially since I have my suspicions that’s not quite your true nature.” 

Karl laughs. “True nature? Anders, what are you going on about?” 

“I think underneath that quiet bookworm act you’re a bit of a rebel.” 

Another laugh. “What, like you?” 

Anders flashes his teeth at him but keeps quiet and Karl shakes his head, smirking back at him. “We’ll have to see about that one. Forgive me if I disappoint you.” 

“I don't think you have to worry about that,” Anders says airily, feeling quite sure of himself. 

In the apprentice dorms Karl and Anders’ bunks aren’t particularly close together but once they arrive there, Anders doesn’t feel done talking to him. He follows Karl back to his bunk and they stay there talking until curfew. Anders feels quite determined to make up for all the time Karl has spent feeling lonely until now and judging by that smile Karl keeps on giving him, he’s fairly sure he’s succeeded. 


	5. Chapter 5

It’s been hours but Anders still feels nauseated after the smite. No matter how many times it happens, it’s impossible to get used to the feeling of all the magic just being ripped from you without any warning. The templars can’t even know what that’s like. But if they did it’s likely some of them would get even more of a kick out of it than they already do. 

Anders sits in an empty classroom, the only place he’s managed to find any quiet after the incident, and wonders how long before someone decides that’s against the rules too. Irving had told him to go back to the apprentice dorms and he will. If anyone asks, he’s stopped for a rest. Smites really take it out of you, you know. He’ll probably get in trouble again if he’s caught but at the moment he just can’t face the noise of the other apprentices. 

Still, for all his attempts to convince himself he doesn't care what happens if he's caught, he feels his entire body tense when the door to the classroom opens. It's not a templar though. It's not even one of the enchanters come to scold him. It's Karl, holding a mug in one hand and looking surprisingly relieved to see him. 

“Anders! I heard about what happened. Are you alright?” 

“I've been better,” Anders replies. He gives Karl a puzzled look. “How did you know I’d be here?” 

“I didn’t.” Karl looks sheepish. “I've been looking for you. This is probably cold by now. I won’t be offended if you don’t drink it.” He holds up the cup in his hands and Anders raises an eyebrow questioningly. “It’s elfroot tea. Should help with the nausea.” 

Anders takes it from him, not knowing what to say. He can’t believe Karl went to so much trouble just to check on him. They've been getting along well since their afternoon in the infirmary together and have been spending more and more time together since then. But he hadn’t expected this from him. 

Anders can’t even think of a time before now that someone has made any kind of special effort just to check he was okay. 

“Thank you,” he murmurs. He takes a sip of the tea. It’s still slightly warm. And the slightly bitter taste of the elfroot does help to settle his stomach a little. 

“I know you probably came here because you want to be alone. But I just wanted to check up. I can go if you’d prefer.” 

Anders doesn’t have to think about it. “No. Stay.” He pats the surface of the worktop he’s sat on top of and Karl hesitates only a second before hopping up to join him. When he settles back against the wall with his feet sticking out over the edge next to Anders’, he can feel the warmth of him beside him. It feels good. Comforting. 

“I hope the tea helps a little. I didn’t know what else I could do. I just... still remember how it feels, that’s all.” 

Anders looks at him. “They got you too?” Karl’s the last mage he could imagine the templars finding fault with. Of course, in their private conversations, Anders has come to know him better but outwardly, he’s a model apprentice. Quiet, helpful, polite. Always does what he’s told without answering back. Anders doesn’t think anyone but him could guess at how much Karl truly hates this place. 

“When they brought me in,” he answers quietly. “I knew I wasn’t getting away. I was putting my hands up to surrender but I guess they saw that as a threat.” 

Anders scowls. “Sounds like a standard templar move.” 

Karl looks at him for a moment. His eyebrows are drawn together over his pale eyes, which are filled with worry and something else. “They said... you were trying to make a run for it.” 

Anders rolls his eyes and turns to stare moodily at the opposite wall. “Through the front door. With several templars watching. Right. They could give me _some_ credit.” 

“So it's not true.” Karl goes quiet and Anders glances back at him to see relief in his face. Seeing it is almost as strange as him showing up here in the first place. Usually talk of his escape attempts are met with eager interest. But Karl only seems upset at the thought. They haven't been friends for that long but now Anders wonders, if he left, would Karl miss him? 

It occurs to him for the first time that since he and Karl started spending time together, Anders has barely even thought of leaving. 

He doesn't know if he can tell Karl that. If it would seem strange to him, or too much. But he wants to reassure him. “One of the cats got up into the entrance hall. I saw it there by the door and didn't think about it. I just wanted to say hello.” 

“So a templar saw you going to pet a cat that just happened to be sitting by the main doors and decided to smite you for it?” As ridiculous as the whole situation was, Karl doesn’t sound doubtful as he sums it up. He sounds angry. Anders sort of wants to hug him for it. It's such an odd impulse that he doesn't do it. He just nods. “Bastard,” Karl mutters and Anders smiles. 

“I don't think I've ever seen you angry before.” 

“Sorry,” says Karl. 

“Don’t apologise. I like it.” 

Karl looks sceptical. “You like seeing me angry?” 

“It's good not to be the only one. Everyone else just seems afraid, or complacent. But for a while I didn't know where you stood with that. To be honest I was wondering how you held it all in.” 

“I'm not sure if I really know myself.” 

“When I first came here I didn't hold it together nearly so well. I barely spoke for six months and then I ran away. Got dragged back after a week.” 

“How old were you?” 

“Twelve, when I got here.” 

“How did you escape?” Karl’s grey eyes are alight with something akin to the curiosity Anders is used to seeing when people ask him these questions but it looks different on him. He doesn’t really understand why. When they first started talking to each other, Anders had wanted to impress Karl but he’d quickly realised he couldn’t do that with him. He’d try to turn on the charm and Karl would roll his eyes and make some dry comment in reply. But somehow being himself gets results. Karl always seems genuinely interested in what he has to say. It's nice in a way Anders never could have anticipated. 

“It wasn't some sort of grand plan. More like I saw an opportunity and I went for it. Didn’t think it through or bring anything I might have needed. I just hid with some supplies that were being taken out of the tower. Don’t know what I’d have done if anyone had thought to look inside the crate I climbed into.” 

Karl looks amused. “Even back then you were impulsive.” 

“I'll take that. It's better than reckless and idiotic. Which is what I thought you’d say.” 

Karl shakes his head. “I think it was brave. I never could have done it. Even if the idea had occurred to me, I’d have had a nice little moment daydreaming about the possibility and then walked away.” 

It is difficult to imagine Karl being impulsive like that but Anders doesn't think that means he isn't brave. He doesn’t look at Karl and see a coward. After all, of the two of them, Anders is the one who's always running away. 

“I think you'd probably plan it out better. You must have done something right all those years they didn't catch you.” 

“It wasn’t so many years. I was late coming into my magic too, already going on fourteen when I realised what it was. Maybe that’s how I managed to keep it under control.” 

“I always wondered how you managed it,” Anders says. They’ve talked so many times now since that first time Anders approached him but he's always thought it best to stay away from the topic that had failed so miserably at endearing Karl to him when they first met. Despite his curiosity, he’d never asked again. 

“My grandmother was a mage. She died when I was still young so my memories of her are vague. But she kept journals. I used to love reading them, even before my own magic manifested. But when it did happen, I sort of felt like I knew what to expect. I went back and studied them again. I always wished for a library like the one here but somehow the Circle never seemed worth it. My mother was ill and my father needed the help. So we were careful and we kept it quiet.” 

“How did you get caught?” Anders isn't sure if he should ask but it's another thing he can't help but wonder. 

Karl's face darkens but he answers before Anders can try to take the question back. “I stopped being careful. As I said, my mother was sick. I thought if I could just find the right spell I could make her better. I travelled to the city, to Denerim, looking for books, for anything I could use. But I was seen purchasing a magical tome and followed back home. They caught me trying to heal her and took me away. I couldn't even stay long enough to see if the spell would work. I just had to drop everything and go. I haven't even spoken to them since.” 

“Karl... I'm sorry.” 

“I thought when I came here that if I just kept my head down and did what they asked of me then maybe I could convince them to let me try again. Or to send one of the other healers. But they refused.” 

“There’s no way you can even find out if she’s alright?” 

“They might let me write after my Harrowing. At this point I wouldn't count on it.” 

“Fuckers.” Anders is fuming. “What is the point in any of it if we’re not even allowed to help people?” 

“I've asked myself the same thing. All those books, all the knowledge I’ve gained since I came here and what is it for? If I’d known even half of it out there, I could have made a difference. And you, Anders, you're amazing. Your magic could do so much good but instead you're stuck here healing broken noses inflicted by the people who are supposed to be protecting us.” 

Anders could probably have gone on a lot longer complaining about the hypocrisy of the Chantry and the Circle and the Templars but he gets stuck instead on the part where Karl thinks he’s amazing. 

“I’m sorry,” says Karl. “I came here to comfort you and ended up off-loading all that onto you. I suppose I just... I’m just trying to say that I understand why you want to get out of here. I don’t blame you. But when someone said you’d tried to run earlier, I didn’t know what to think. Because you hadn't said anything, given any indication... It made me realise, as much as I hate this place, you’re one of the things that makes it bearable. I’m... really glad I met you.” 

Anders stares at him. He doesn't know what to say. Words feel inadequate because how is he supposed to respond to that when he can't even come up with a name for how it makes him feel. Valued? Terrified? Overjoyed? All of the above? 

He couldn't say for sure but he does think about his earlier reason for not hugging Karl when he wanted to and thinks ' _screw it_ ’, before throwing his arms around him and burying his face into Karl's shoulder. Karl hardly even hesitates in hugging him back. 

“I wish we'd met on the outside. While I was on the run. Before you went to Denerim. Maybe I could have healed your mum for you and then none of the rest would have had to happen.” 

He doesn’t say, _I wish I could have stayed with you,_ because even in his head it sounds too far-fetched. But he thinks it. He can't quite help that. 


	6. Chapter 6

After all Anders’ talk of the wisdom of not getting attached, he can’t quite believe it when he realises he’s gone and done so anyway. There’s no point in lying to himself or trying to deny it; everything is just better when Karl is around. 

He thought he'd be scared. He knows what could happen. Caring about someone, having someone he wants to see every day, who he wouldn’t know what to do without, those are all things that can be used against him. They make him vulnerable to hurt. He’s seen it happen enough times and had always been so sure he’d never let it happen to him. But now, whatever this is with Karl, it feels so amazing, Anders can’t even think of giving it up. 

And why should he? All this time he’s kept himself at a distance from those around him, hasn’t he been doing exactly what the Templars and the Chantry want? For so long he's lived like he isn't worthy of being cared for. And he’d never realised how much he believed it until Karl came along and cared anyway. 

Part of what makes him realise it is the thought of how little the other apprentices interest him now. He's noticed Enid looking in his direction a few times and while at one point he might have used that as an excuse to talk to her, it simply isn’t her he’s thinking about anymore. His thoughts of what it would be like to kiss one of the other boys have been decidedly less abstract of late. 

Anders has never been one to hold back from acting on a crush but this feels different. He really likes Karl, and in more than a wanting-to-make-out-at-the-back-of-the-library sort of way (though he wouldn't mind doing that too). But that evening when they’d sat together in an unused classroom and held each other, because they could, because it was comforting and because perhaps they’d both been holding back for a little too long, he’d let go of Karl and pulled back to see pale grey eyes looking shyly back at him and something inside him had felt giddy and full. He’d thought about pressing his lips to Karl’s then but he hadn’t been able to make himself do it. Perhaps it was because it was the last step towards making this into something Anders had no experience with. Because acting on this feeling would make it real. 

But maybe that was foolish. Days pass and then weeks and not acting on it doesn't make it go away. It just makes him more certain that he wants it. And the thing about the Circle and it’s lack of privacy means that when Anders realises this, he also realises that he’s missed out on a perfect opportunity. He and Karl can sit next to each other in class, they can take shifts in the infirmary together, or huddle side by side in one another’s bunks in the apprentice dorm, whispering to each other of the things they don't want anyone else to hear, but when Anders turns and looks at Karl and is filled up with the desire to close the distance between them, no matter how much he knows he wants it, it’s never the right time. 

He needs to just tell Karl how he feels, he thinks. But somehow it’s harder with Karl than with the girls he’s stolen secret kisses with in the past. Probably because Karl’s opinion matters to him more than anyone else’s. Or maybe because Karl had seemed so appalled when he'd found Anders with Enid that time, several months ago now. If Karl rejected him it would hurt. It would ruin everything. Anders has never had to contemplate such a possibility before. 

One afternoon when classes have finished for the day and Karl isn't in the dorms or the library, Anders goes looking for him. He doesn’t quite set out to have that much desired moment alone with him but he definitely isn’t complaining when that’s what he gets. He finds Karl in that same disused classroom they’d talked together in last time. And this time, Karl’s the one who seems sort of upset. 

He’s sitting on the ledge of one of the windows, looking out at the rain and the mist over the surrounding lake. “Never thought I'd miss it,” he tells Anders as he takes a seat on the ledge beside him. 

“The miserable Ferelden weather?” Anders asks him. 

“Basically, yes.” 

“Can’t say getting stuck in one of those downpours was ever my favourite part of getting out of here. Especially when your only option for shelter is some dank creepy cave with who knows what might be living at the back of it.” 

“Sometimes I think I'd take the cave,” says Karl. 

“Well, caves have many pleasant qualities too. The general absence of templars for one thing.” 

Karl smiles. “I think that’s the main thing they’ve got going for them, yes.” 

“Not quite what you were thinking of there, though.” That much was obvious from the look on his face as he’d peered out over the lake, before he’d noticed Anders and turned, smiling, to face him. He always looks happy to see him and somehow that’s something Anders still can’t get used to. 

“I was thinking...” Karl sighs and looks at him, uncertain and slightly embarrassed. 

Anders nudges him. Knocking his knee against Karl’s as he prompts, “Go on.” 

“I was remembering just sitting on the rug by the fire... With a bowl of my mother’s stew, listening to the rain tapping on the roof and knowing I didn’t have anywhere I needed to be for that moment.” 

The thought makes Anders smile sadly back at him. “It sounds nice.” 

“I was imagining you being there with me,” Karl adds quietly. 

It’s ridiculous but Anders swears his heart speeds up at the thought. Or maybe it's just the way Karl looks at him when he says it. “What would we be doing?” 

“Enjoying the warmth. And the moment to ourselves. You’d probably have one of the cats curled up on your lap, purring away while you scratched it’s ears.” 

Anders grins. “That sounds amazing.” 

Karl smiles back and the sight of it makes Anders’ chest feel tight with all the feeling he has stuck inside of him because there’s simply nowhere else to put it. Not when they’re living like this; lives that aren’t allowed to be their own. 

“I know there's no fire and no cats. But it’s raining at least and right now I don’t think anyone knows we're here. We could pretend. For a little while.” 

“I’d like that,” Karl whispers. Then he moves so uncertainly to touch his fingers against Anders’. Then when Anders doesn’t pull away, but instead, turns his palm up towards him, Karl weaves their fingers together and holds on tight. If Anders’ heart had sped before, it’s nothing to the riotous beat of it now. It’s enough to make him dizzy because he knows what he wants to do and after weeks of waiting for a moment like this one, it’s built up to something so wonderful his brain can barely process movement. 

But he's not letting this moment pass. Not again. Karl’s hand is warm and comforting in his but Anders doesn’t want that to be it. He leans in and takes the chance that’s been given to him, pressing his lips gently against Karl’s. 

Karl sighs, his breath rushing out through his nose and he clutches Anders' hand tightly in his. His lips press back, kissing once, twice, then stopping and moving away. “Anders,” Karl breathes. “Anders, I...” His eyes open and the anguish Anders can see in them makes him frown. Because he’d thought this was what Karl wanted too. He’d felt it just in that moment before he'd thrown his fears aside and leaned in towards him. Now he feels them creeping back. At least until Karl says, “I can’t do it. I can’t be someone you kiss just because it’s fun, without it ever meaning more because you’re afraid of what will happen if you let yourself care about someone. I can’t. I just don’t think I’m built like that. I’m afraid too, I really am. But I can’t let that stop me from loving you. No matter what happens. That’s how I feel and I can’t change it. I-I don’t _want_ to change that!” 

Anders doesn’t have words for a response. His head is as full as his chest but everything within is incomprehensible to him in this state. The only thing he can do to show Karl that he’s wrong about his intentions is to reach up and pull him back to his mouth. He kisses him hard, trying to put everything he’s been feeling into it so Karl will know. But he seems to want Anders to spell it out all the same. Though he’s drawn into the kiss, it’s only a moment before he’s pulling back, saying, “Anders, please...” 

“Damn it,” Anders says, then laughs quietly, breathlessly. “You’re right. I am afraid. But I don’t want to let that get in the way of this either.” He leans his forehead against Karl’s, breathing hard, and whispers, “I feel the same.” 

This time Karl’s the one to crush their mouths together. Anders leans his whole body into it, holding Karl close against him. Soon, some of the urgency leaves them and they move slowly, just exploring the new sensation of finally being able to have at least one of the things they’ve wanted. Karl is gentle and sweet and Anders has never known the feeling of being loved by someone like this. It’s almost overwhelming except that he won’t let it be. He takes all of that feeling, everything he hasn’t known what to do with before, and gives it back to Karl. 


	7. Chapter 7

There’s an open door. Anders stares at the clear path between him and the world outside the tower and there’s no one there to tell him not to take it. It’s a difficult thing to process. He turns his head, looking for signs of the trap that this has to be, listening for the sound of any templar approaching. All he hears is the sound of someone talking in another room, close enough to be wary of but far enough away not to be alarming. 

Anders takes a few more steps towards the door and looks out cautiously, ready to duck his head back inside should there be anyone out there. But there isn’t. The way is clear and the first breath he takes of that cool fresh air is just like it always is; the sort of relief he feels with his entire body, it’s so intense. 

The lake surrounding the tower stretches out in front of him. For a moment, Anders just listens to the sound of water lapping against the shore. It’s the only thing between him and the rest of Ferelden. He swam it before and it occurs to him that this time there’s no one about to see him jump in. It could take them hours to realise he’s gone. He thinks of how far he could get in that time. 

He hears the voices in the nearby room and knows he could be caught at any moment. One of them is definitely a templar. If he were to take this chance, he’d have to do it now. And he does feel that familiar pull towards anywhere that isn’t this blighted tower but it’s not the same as it used to be. He feels something he’s never known before pulling him back with an even greater force, making him wonder for perhaps the first time what the point is in having to spend most nights sleeping on hard ground, having to steal or forage for food (or, more often than not, go without altogether) to spend days cold and wet and tired, only to be found and beaten and dragged back to the tower to face whatever punishment awaited him there. It all feels so inevitable. 

But for the first time he has something holding him here. He has Karl. And Anders doesn’t ever want to give him up. If he can’t take Karl with him then, again, what’s the point? 

He takes another breath and savours the feeling of the cool air against his skin. Then he turns away. 

He finds Karl in the apprentice dormitory and it’s quiet enough at this time of day that Anders feels safe tugging him into a corner and kissing him. He can’t help but think that Karl’s lips taste even better than that fresh lakeside air he’d tasted several minutes ago. As do the hands, pulling him close, feel better than the wind. All of it, the warmth of his breath, the familiar, comforting scent of it, and the look in those grey eyes when he pulls back to smile up at him, Anders wants it like he’s wanted nothing else in his life. What chance could the rest of Thedas stand against that? 

Karl looks at him curiously. “What are you thinking about?” 

Anders presses forward, breathing in the scent of Karl’s skin as he tries to find words for it. He’s thinking of how little he wants to lose this but saying these things out loud still feels dangerous. Giving voice to his fears makes it real in a way he can keep pretending it isn’t if he just kisses Karl instead. He never wants this to end but the truth is, if he could choose, he wouldn’t want it this way. 

He says, “If it came to it and we had the chance, would you run with me?” 

“In a heartbeat,” says Karl. 

“You wouldn’t be afraid?” 

Karl thinks about it. “I’m always a little bit afraid. But by now I’m sure you could get me to do anything you wanted me to. You make me feel brave, Anders.” 

“Would you do it for me, or for yourself?” 

“Both,” he answers without hesitation this time. “You know it’d be both.” 

Anders presses a kiss to his temple. “Good.” He kisses Karl’s forehead, then his cheek, then his lips. “One day, then.” 

Karl’s fingertips tickle slightly as they press lightly into the soft hair at the back of Anders’ neck. His smile lights his cool grey eyes with warming tenderness as he agrees, “One day...” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
